Have you ever heard and responded to what your children asked – only to have them look at you with a blank stare. It’s like they’re saying, “What planet are you on?” You drop what you’re doing and ask, “OK, ask your question again. I think we’re not communicating.”

Growing up in Nigeria, I would sometimes walk with my father in humid, 40 degree heat as he visited villages up to 20 kilometers away from home. We would arrive in the village sweating and exhausted. In typical Nigerian hospitality (as well as village security), we would be led to the chief’s compound. Entering the walled compound through the only gate would put us into a courtyard surrounded by the living spaces of the chief and his wives. Chairs would be brought to a place in the shade where we’d wait until the chief came to greet us. After the obligatory questions about our family, the village we lived in, the trip to his village, our health … he would ask if we would like something to drink. Of course we were extremely thirsty! He knew that too. But to answer, “Yes,” would be offensive – a demand – of the chief of the village. So we would politely answer, “No. Thank you very much for asking.” More minutes and more questions followed – allowing the chief to gather verbal and non-verbal information of his visitors and the environment surrounding his village.

He would again ask if we would like something to drink. Again we would politely decline, knowing how offensive it would be to take a gift from the chief without first giving him a gift. Our gift would take minutes of admiration and discussion as it was handed from the chief to his favorite wife and on to his other wives. He would then ask, “Are you thirsty?” This time we could humbly admit to being thirsty and gratefully accept the generosity of our generous benefactor.

Admit it – some of us are too busy or preoccupied to listen closely to what our children are really saying. We casually hear the content of the question without diligently listening for the intent of their question. Our children learn very quickly that we don’t really care – or they also are quick to take advantage of our carelessness and form questions to get what they really want.  Let’s work hard this week to listen for the intent of what our children say rather than just the content of the words.

None of us are perfect as individuals – nor are our marriages perfect.  As we work together to maintain our love and a strong marriage, our homes will be a good environment for growing and happy children.