Dr. Kevin Leman and Randy Carlson in their book, Parent Talk, have coined a term, Reality Discipline. When they tell parents they can give children choices, some moms and dads might think that sounds permissive. 

The last thing you can call Reality Discipline would be "permissive." The best thing about it is that it is not authoritarian. Reality Discipline helps parents avoid making some big mistakes. Authoritarian parents often tend to think that they own their children; that their children can’t fail; and – here’s the favorite - "Look, I’m the boss and what I say goes!"

Parents are in healthy authority over their children. I never let my children use me or manipulate me, but at the same time I don’t come down on them with "It’s my way or nothing!" That can work with some children - maybe while they grow up, but later in life it can come back to haunt everybody.

Dr. Kevin Leman says, “We tell parents to discipline, train, and teach their children, but that doesn’t mean that there might not be some kind of "pain" or consequence involved. That’s how children learn what the real world is like and how it works. Reality Discipline gives the child a chance to make his own decisions and then live with the result of his mistakes and his failures or his good choices and his successes. Using Reality Discipline means....

1. Being in healthy authority over your children.
2. Holding your children accountable for their actions
3. Combining love and limits on a consistent basis.
4. Dealing with every child as the unique individual he or she is.
5. Being tough but always fair.
6. Using action instead of words.
7. Sticking to your guns and following through with enforcing consequences.
8. Following the biblical instruction not to exasperate your children and make them angry and resentful, but to bring them up with loving discipline and godly advice (see Eph. 6:4, The Living Bible).”

This takes work, a commitment to our children and principles that are the same for me as those I demand of my children. I sacrifice as a parent. My example is our Lord who sacrificed His home, took on Himself the restrictions of a finite body and even died on the cross for me. He holds me accountable for my decisions. He loves me unconditionally. He has set eternally tough standards designed for my own good. Let’s determine together – you and me – to raise secure children.

None of us are perfect as individuals – nor are our marriages perfect.  As we work together to maintain our love and a strong marriage, our homes will be a good environment for growing and happy children.